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A U2 Parody! "UChew - Schlucken Baby!"


sassyfan
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Hi fellow fans,

I love satire, and I wrote a parody of the boys' catalogue. I share this here at the encouragement of others. I hope you enjoy it & feel free to writeme at 180turn (at) gmail (dot) com with your feedback! Or hype!

See you at the show! Love the new tour!

UChew

Schlucken Baby!

A U2 Parody!

(Volume One)


Tracklisting

Where The Meats Have No Grade
Miracle Whip
Venti-To-Go
Plentiful Buffet
Ziti Of Blindingly Hot Spices
With Or Without Au Jus
Diet (In The Shame Of Love For Food)
New Hire
Sometimes You Can't Bake It On Your Own
Sundae Fudgy Sundae
Get Out Your Menus
I'll Get Crazy Bread If We Get Little Caesars Tonight
In Mom's Cooking
Cool Me, Pour Me, Miss Me, Spill Me
Even Butter Can't Save This Thing
Foodropa
All You Want Is Food


--------------

Where The Meats Have No Grade
Parody of "Where The Streets Have No Name"

I have the runs
I have the slides
I've torn my intestinal walls
And all my insides
I want it to stop
I'm shooting out flames
Where the meats have no grade

I want to feel
Relief on my face
I see horrors leave my rear
And with some haste
I need some Alka-Seltzer
And maybe First Aid
Where the meats have no grade

Where the meats have no grade
Where the meats have no grade
A little building that
Serves burning hot food
Burning hot food
And when I ate there
I ate there with you
But, man, that Tex-Mex was good!

The toilet's aflood
I'm a pinana gone bust
I've been beaten and a bomb thrown inside
Scrambled my guts
I've been to a place
That serves only pain
Where the meats have no grade

Where the meats have no grade
Where the meats have no grade
A little building that
Serves cheap spicy food
Cheap spicy food
And when I ate there
I ate there with you
But, man, that Tex-Mex was good...
A bomb in my guts
I've been beaten and a bomb thrown inside
Must be
e coli
Oh, and I see stuff
Stuff seep out my guts
I've been beaten and a bomb thrown inside
Armed with
e coli
And when I ate there
I ate there with you
But, man, that Tex-Mex was good!

--------------

Miracle Whip
Parody of "Miracle Drug"

I want to spread it on some bread
Macaroni fare...
You say you use Heilmann's instead
Well, that's just gross to me

I use it in egg salad cause mayo's dull
Don't you have any taste at all?
If you offer them just plain old coleslaw
They'd walk right out

A bargain once I spent
Five bucks for a case of ten

There's ketchup for the fries
I see mustard for these dogs
It's no picnic without that tangy zip
We're out of Miracle Whip

Want me to fill a shopping cart
I would go do it
With ordinary mayo here, sweetheart
It'll taste like shit...

I love you, my wife of mine
But you talk nonsense and
Waste my time... I will appear
With a box full of proper dressing here

There's ketchup for the fries
I see mustard for these dogs
But there's nothing with that tangy zip
I'm not giving up, yeah, not a little bit
For a miracle
Miracle Whip
For Miracle Whip...

(God, woman, you said you needed my help today)

I know the boys
I know my kin
They'll ask a choice
Of that dressing
"In lieu of what you're offering,
Is there some Whip
In the kitchen?"

There's ketchup for the fries
I see mustard for these dogs
But there's nothing here with that tangy zip
I'm not giving up, yeah, not a little bit
For a miracle
Miracle Whip
For Miracle Whip...

--------------

Venti-To-Go
Parody of "Vertigo"

Uno, dos, tres, a venti!
(Make mine a Half-Caf, Quad, Iced Venti, Soy, Starbucks Doubleshotâ„¢ on Ice, Barrista)

Line thins down
It's dark, the Starbucks is
Now open, but please take heart
I'm fearing it'll take longer
Than I thought
You walk inside
And though Timmies
Is on the other side
Your mind can wonder

Hello, hello
(¡Hola!)
I'd like a Venti-to-go
(¿Qué Quieres?)
Just take my order & do it slow
I accept the fact that customer service is
No longer real
No longer real

The line is full of assholes
Those idiots take too long
They talk into phones
And shuffle as the stereo
Plays music without soul
Those cds at the point of sale
Ghastly, i know

I'm staring at my feet
My watch I start to check
The girl that smells of weed
Has an iPod 'round her neck
Blinking to the music
Blinking to the music

Hello, hello
(¡Hola!)
I'd like a Venti-to-go
(¿Qué Quieres?)
Just take my order & do it slow
Except for the fact that customer service
Was once real
Was once real

Check watch,
Hours of fun...
Does it take an hour to get coffee?!?!

This 5 dollars, this can be yours
This 5 dollars, this can be yours
This 5 dollars, this can be yours
Just give me what I want
And no one gets hurt

Hello, hello
(¡Hola!)
I'd like a Venti-to-go
(¿Qué Quieres?)
Just take my order & do it slow
I accept the fact that customer service is
No longer real
No longer real

Zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz
Zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz
Zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz
Zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz

--------------

Plentiful Buffet
Parody of "Beautiful Day"

A la carte just won't do
Shoot down the options around
There's no hope
No brunch served in this town

You're soon in luck
You find a place you've never seen before
A buffet for 12 bucks?
Maybe you won't hunger anymore

You thought you'd call a friend
To meet you here at this place
Someone that you could eat a meal with
If she makes haste

It's a plentiful buffet
A free-for-all, you see that
It's a plentiful buffet
Don't let it go to waste

You were on the road
There was no hesitation
When the light turned red
This captured your imagination

You love this stuff
Even for someone that doesn't like soup
You've been all over
And it'll soon be inside of you

It's a plentiful buffet
A free-for-all, you see that
It's a plentiful buffet
There's so much you can taste!

Pinch me
Never mind any other place
Fill me
I'll take a Pepcid, just in case

See a world of vegetables, greens & fruits
See Chinese food right in front of you
See scalloped potatoes, Chicken Tetrazini
See the pasta, there's even Mac & Cheese
See the tuna salad, desserts at the right
See the Dijon Pork Loins with confetti rice
See barbequed birds with buttered sprouts
After the lineup, all new trays come out

It's a plentiful buffet
Let's fill our plates with haste
It's a plentiful buffet

Pinch me
Never mind any other place
Fill me
I just came here to stuff my face!

What they don't have you don't need it now
What they do serve you'll eat it somehow
What they don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a plentiful buffet

--------------

Ziti Of Blindingly Hot Spices
Parody of "City Of Blinding Lights"

The more you use the hotter it gets
The less you use prevents a stomach upset
You know your family likes their spicy chow

Grocery cart, day off work
The ziti calls for more perk
They advertise in the flyers
For half off on stuff

And they'll kiss you and fan their mouths, astounded
All that pepper you'll add will be really hand grounded

Ooooooohhh...

Oh, you'll cook up a bellyful tonight
With this ziti of blindingly hot spices

Don't cook before you graph
How much before it feels like an acid bath
Flash fire, hot on tongue
They're gonna love this ziti

You watch them eat unafraid
They hardly touch the bread you made
You found a spice that is sold illegally...
It makes a habanero feel like a tall iced tea!

And they kiss you and fan their mouths, astounded
Maybe all that caution is looking ill founded

Ooooooohhh...

Oh, you've cooked up a bellyful tonight
With this ziti of blindingly hot spices

And whine...
Soon everyone ruins their pants
And whine,
Swearing and crying in their rants
Oh, you've cooked up a bellyful tonight
Oh, you've cooked up a bellyful tonight
Oh, you've cooked up a bellyful tonight
With this ziti of blindingly hot spices

The more you use the hotter it gets
The less you use prevents a stomach upset
Success is just not worth
The heartache here

--------------

With Or Without Au Jus
Parody of "With Or Without You"

See the plates set before ours eyes
See the sandwich with no side
I ask for Au Jus

Raise of hand and scene create
On a snail's pace, he makes us wait
And I wait without Au Jus

With or without Au Jus
With or without Au Jus

Through the meal we are ignored
You eat it all but I wait some more
And I'm waiting for Au Jus

With or without Au Jus
With or without Au Jus
I can't eat
Roast beef without Au Jus

And he'll say it's on its way
And he'll say it's on its way
And he'll say
And he'll say
And he'll say it's on its way

The waiter lied
What is the use, he's got me with
Nothing but dry meat and
Nothing left to do

And he'll say it's on its way
And he'll say it's on its way
And he'll say
And he'll say
And he'll say it's on its way

With or without Au Jus
With or without Au Jus
I can't eat
Roast beef without Au Jus

Oh...oh...oh...

With or without Au Jus
With or without Au Jus
I can't eat
Roast beef without Au Jus
Roast beef without Au Jus

--------------

Diet (In The Shame Of Love For Food)
Parody of "Pride (In The Name Of Love)"

One man come, in search of food
One man come, and go
One man come, here to satisfy
One man, his hunger grows

In the shame of love
What shame in the love for food!
In the shame of love
What shame in the love for food!

One man caught, as he raids the fridge
One man, can't resist
One man, with a sullen wife
One man, threatened with a fist

In the shame of love
What shame in the love for food!
In the shame of love
What shame in the love for food!

Early morning, April 4th
Doctor weighs a less flabby guy
Free at last, he gets the nod from his wife
Now he can go off this damn diet!

In the shame of love
What shame in the love for food!
In the shame of love
What shame in the love for food!
In the shame of love
What shame in the love for food!
Mmm...mmm...mmm...
Nom nom nom nom nom...

--------------

New Hire
Parody of "Desire"

Yeah...
"Trainee, get on your feet
Gonna go where the dark lights
And the toilet stalls meet
With that ratty mop...next to the fryer,
New Hire..."

She's in drive thru, handles it with ease
Then I throw a Quarter Pounder, Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Over the counter with a ketchup gun
Pretty soon, everybody has fun
And the scapegoat...will be just her...
New Hire...
New Hire...

When the manager asks:
"Who gets fired?"
New Hire...
New Hire...

Low earning...

(She's a doll face
She gives me an erection
Yeah, she was promised
She'd ace her inspection)
"Now sister, I have to let you go
We suspect you're stealing cash
Cuz your till came in low
You're costing us money money money
money money money money money
money money money
And the manager says you're fired,
New Hire..."

--------------

Sometimes You Can't Bake It On Your Own
Parody of "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"

Tough, I'm saying that's quite enough
Still you're telling me and everyone
You're a good cook

You don't have to give me a fright
You don't have to set the kitchen alight
You're forcing me to have to punch you
If you try again tonight

Listen to me, punk
Then I'll let go of your throat
Promise me you'll never bake alone!

And it's you when I clean up in the kitchen
And it's you when I'm not at home
Sometimes you can't bake stuff on your own

You fuck up all the time
You and I...we'll tango
If you break another mixing bowl
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if you had another chance
You'd like to try harder than before

Listen to me, punk
Then I'll let go of your throat
Promise me you'll never bake alone!

And it's you when I clean up in the kitchen
And it's you when I'm not at home
Sometimes you can't bake stuff on your own

Your stuff tastes like chalk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Say, there's no fucking way
You're the reason why I'm therapy...

Okay, let's not cry now
I just wanted you to know
An apron doesn't make you a chef
I'm not leaving you here alone...

And it's you when I clean up in the kitchen
And it's you when I'm not at home
Sometimes you can't bake stuff on your own
Everytime that you try to bake
I honestly don't think the kitchen can take it
Sometimes you can't bake stuff on your own

--------------

Sundae Fudgy Sundae
Parody of "Sunday Bloody Sunday"

I can't believe I chose today
To close my eyes
And send it back it's way
How long?
How long must I not eat what's wrong?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight, I can't order one
Tonight

Caramel streaks under toffee treat
Chocolate chunks of marbled candy sweets
But I won't heed the hunger call
It puts my weight back up
Got to lose some weight before the Fall

Sundae, Fudgy Sundae
Sundae, Fudgy Sundae
Sundae, Fudgy Sundae

And the diet's just begun
The weight's been lost, but tell me who has fun?
There's no satisfaction in my heart
No marshmallows, mints, nuts & licorice?
I'm torn apart!

Sundae, Fudgy Sundae
Sundae, Fudgy Sundae

How long?
How long must I not eat what's wrong?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight, I'm not having fun
Tonight, tonight

Sundae, Fudgy Sundae
Sundae, Fudgy Sundae

Wipe those calories from your diet
Wipe those calories away
Oh, wipe those calories away
Oh, wipe those calories away
No Sundae, Fudgy Sundae
Oh, wipe those damn calories away...
No Sundae, Fudgy Sundae...

And it's true you can have one soon
But lose the fat before that's reality
And today the calories are why
You eat and eat and tomorrow you sigh

Sundae, Fudgy Sundae

The real battle just begun
To claim the victory over your bum
Over...

Sundae, Fudgy Sundae
Sundae, Fudgy Sundae

--------------

Get Out Your Menus
Parody of "Get On Your Boots"

If the food here needs big lips
I might just leave a nice tip
Never had an appetite like this
Can you hear it too?

I could eat about anything
Hot pockets at a Holiday Inn
It don't matter what you bring
I could even eat you!

Hey! Hurry waitress
Get out your menus, yeah

Just feed me from the serving tray
Cram those rolls right in my face
Bring a pit crew from a Nascar race
To prep my meal

Here's what my order'll be
A round of wings, maybe 3
Steak & ribs sounds good to me
Is the special "veal"?

You don't know how hungry
You don't know how hungry we are
(You don't know!)
No, you don't know how hungry
(You want our business, don't you?)
You don't know how hungry we are
(You don't know know how hungry...)

Whoa, someone's stuffed
He's sure throwing up
But we're into eating up
Menu-wise, I mean
You have a gross imagination

Do you serve submarines?
Green Beans Almondine?
I don't wanna talk about
Calories or rations...
Not right now

Sexy waitress
Get out your menus, yeah
Yes, right now
Bigger menus please

You don't know how hungry
You don't know how hungry we are
(You don't know!)
No, you don't know how hungry
(You want our business, don't you?)
You don't know how hungry we are
(You don't know know how hungry...)

Tasty foods...
I don't wanna talk about calories or rations...
Got a sweet tooth, yeah

Get me to a table
Lead us to a table
Lead us to a table
Lead us to a table
Here's 20 for a table

Get me to a table
Lead us to a table now
God, I hope you're able
Lead us to a table now
Can you get us a table?

Get me to a table
I could eat the table
I hear the ribs are fabled
Is that a picture of Clark Gable?
Let us at a table

Get out your menus
Get out your menus
Get out your menus, yeah hey hey!
Get out your menus, yeah hey hey!
Get out your menus, yeah hey hey!
Get out your menus, yeah hey hey!

--------------

I'll Get Crazy Bread If We Get Little Caesars Tonight
Parody of "I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go CrazyTonight"

Mom let me know that she'd love a pizza slice
Knows I'll get crazy bread if we get Little Caesars tonight
There's a part of me that says I'm on a diet
And there's a part of me that says "now just be quiet"
Everybody needs to write down what they wish
Every topping will be honoured but anchovies, that's fish
Everyone pick a side and what to drink
Take a look at the menu and, come on, think...
Cuz during the dinner rush, they're awful slow...

It's not science, it's a pizza
Just make up your damn mind
Do you want some, or are you not eating
We're gonna order wings too if the sauce isn't orange bright
But I know I'll get crazy bread if we get Little Caesars tonight

Every pizza place gets a chance, even Domino's
Though they made your mom sick, so this time that's no go
Hey, maybe the best place is one that we haven't tried
Is it true the driver has to pay if he's real late to appear?
The right to free pizza is something that I hold dear
Cuz during the dinner rush, they're awful slow...

It's not science, it's a pizza
Just make up your damn mind
Do you want some, or are you not eating
We're gonna order wings too if the sauce isn't orange bright
But I know I'll get crazy bread if we get Little Caesars tonight

Baby, baby, baby, let's eat together and not alone
Baby, baby, baby, I'm calling it up on the phone

It's not science, it's a pizza
Just make up your damn mind
Get the door whenever it comes
Look out in the darkness, see if there's beams of car light
Hurry with my crazy bread, let's order some Little Caesars tonight

Oh oh
Quickly now...

--------------

In Mom's Cooking
Parody of "In God's Country"

Yeah

Apple pie
Dreams of Mom's apple pie
The store bought ones are awful dry
They just never taste right

Dessert tarts
Dreamed I ate her dessert tarts
She'd make 'em in the shape of hearts
This homesickness calls to me

She was caught making drugs
Was Meth cooking
Sad tries, this recipe misses
What was in Mom's cooking
Yeah...

Lab caught alight
A huge ball of fire lit up the night
Every cop I swear drove by
Seized mom & read her her rights

Medium security
She's seeing 10 to 20
Hopeless, her being free
She'll be there till she's old

She was caught making drugs
Was Meth cooking
Sad tries, this recipe misses
What was in Mom's cooking
Yeah...

Bake a cake
Man, could she bake a cake
Though her last one was a mistake
Burned by the fire of drugs
Burned by the fire of drugs
Of drugs...

--------------

Cool Me, Pour Me, Miss Me, Spill Me
Parody of "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me"

You don't know you're an alcoholic
You just like your beer a lot
Oh Lordy, you've been driving
When you drink and you got caught
Cops flashed their lights
Lands you a strech
Behind bars

Dressed in your camos
With a cooler in your yard
Living under house arrest
Dude, it must be hard
You're a hangover
With a fresh case
Of Budweiser

Oh no, sit back down guy
You're too drunk to drive
Cool me, pour me, miss me, spill me

You don't know how you got here
Nor that there's a warrant out
Relieving yourself
When they find you walking about
You're so freaking trashed
The cops also found your hash
Damn!

Oh no, not this shit again
You shoulda just stayed in
Cool me, pour me, miss me, spill me

You say that you found Jesus
When the judge asked you to speak
But he refuses to set your bail
And sentencing will be next week
And you're turning tricks
And could use a fix
Behind bars

(Oh man)

Of course, you want one more
You have no idea of the score
Cool me, pour me, miss me, spill me

--------------

Even Butter Can't Save This Thing
Parody of "Even Better Than The Real Thing"

Give it one more ingredient
You say you'll be satisfied
Give it two more ingredients
Creativity can't be denied

Well, your heart was in the right place
But the recipe called for tomato paste
You made up half the ingredients
Is this what we're having for supper tonight?

Let me have a taste!

What is this thing?
Ugh, what is this thing?
You can't serve this thing
Even butter can't save this thing
Child...

We don't stand a chance
Unless we defrost that shrimp ring
Go look in the fridge
Maybe there's an entree we can swing

You used honey, child, instead of cheese
It tastes of soap and what you sneeze
There's just no chance
No time to start all over again

What is this thing?
Ugh, what is this thing?
You can't serve this thing
Even butter won't save this thing
Child...

We're free to cry at a later time
Maybe we can order in tonight

Oh oh...here they come

Defrost faster
Defrost faster
Please defrost faster
Please defrost faster

Don't serve this thing
Don't serve this thing
Don't serve this thing
Even butter can't save this thing
Even butter can't save this thing
Even butter can't save this thing

--------------

Foodropa
Parody of "Zooropa"

Foodropa...the food court at the mall
Foodropa...we're located down the hall
Next to "Winners"
And "Choco Slimmers"

Foodropa...we can recycle on site
Foodropa...we close at 9pm tonight
It can sit 2000
So please bring a friend

Foodropa...family friendly design
Foodropa...a place where you can unwind
It's somewhere to be seen
We're featured in magazines

And you'll have lots of fun
And Here's You on the map
And we have 50 franchises
Full of tasty snacks

And you'll find lots of bargains
And a nursery for tots
And there's just no limit
No limit to what we've got

Don't worry baby, it'll be alright
After you buy those shoes
Those shopping bags aren't light
It's comfortable here, and brightly lit
We have a Subway
And we have a new McDonald's
Come out to the food court baby
Free coupons for mommy & baby
From McDonald's

No particular parking place
No particular door
We're at the center of it all
More than ever before

Don't worry baby, it's gonna be alright
You'll feel great again after a quick bite
So many choices, multiple choices
Out in the food court
Let's go, let's go over there
Take your family there with you baby

Our engineers dreamed up
A world that you could live in
They came up with Foodropa
They came up with Foodropa
Foodropa

--------------

All You Want Is Food
Parody of "All I Want Is You"

You say you want french fries and onion rings
You say you want cheeseburgers and honey wings

But after all the sausages you ate
From the table to your face
Man, all you want is food

You say you hanker for chicken with gravy on it
A pizza would be nice beside it
All the drive thrus in the night

You say you hunger for some Taco Bell
A sub would go down very well
Your kingdom for a tuna melt

But after all the sliders that you ate
From White Castle, open late
Man, all you want is food

You say you crave more after you've just eaten
Has your appetie ever been beaten?

You say you want donuts in a box of twelve
Those cookies on the shelves
And that's just for yourself

All the calories you intake
I really worry for your sake
Man, all you want is food

Food
All you want is...food
All you want is...food
All you want is...food


----------------------------------------

UChew is:

Bonne Appetit - vocals, guitar
The Fridge - guitar, keyboards, vocals
Ida Weightons - bass
Cherry Soda Jr. - drums, percussion

Note: "Schlucken" is German for "swallow"...
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thanks! you're very kind!

 

i wrote this one day after sketching out a few at work during lunch and then finishing it after work. good satire usually just writes itself (albeit with somenice fine tuning here and there). every week, i write a funny bit for my friends and post it online. i'm putting together a portfolio of bits and maybe geta gig somewhere. being a U2 fan, you can certainly appreciate a little ambition!

 

yeah, i grew up watching Weird Al Yankovic, so of course it's part of the inspiration. Ever see his Green Eggs & Ham done to "Numb"? YouTubeit, it's great!

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roll.gif
sassyfan wrote:

thanks! you're very kind!

 

i wrote this one day after sketching out a few at work during lunch and then finishing it after work. good satire usually just writes itself (albeit with some nice fine tuning here and there). every week, i write a funny bit for my friends and post it online. i'm putting together a portfolio of bits and maybe get a gig somewhere. being a U2 fan, you can certainly appreciate a little ambition!

 

yeah, i grew up watching Weird Al Yankovic, so of course it's part of the inspiration. Ever see his Green Eggs & Ham done to "Numb"? YouTube it, it's great!

Sassyfan, that's very clever and funny!! You had me cracking up!! roll.gifWith or Withou Au Jus, Sunday Fudgey Sunday, Sometimes You Can't Bake it On Your Own, All You Want is Food. LOL! laugh.gif Food goes well with U2!

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