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a little advice from you, fellow-parents....


barbara1
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noticed some of you ask for advice on various subjects, now i have a question for you, guys...went out for dinner with my love and his workcolleagues. kids staid at home ( oldest son was in charge). i did text with daughter and everything seemed allright, but when we came home we found out that the oldest (age 15) went out to meet his girlfriend. i grounded him for the rest of this schoolyear! he's (ofcourse) sad and says his girlfriend's gonna leave him now... what's your opinion about this? what would you do, when you were in my shoes?

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noticed some of you ask for advice on various subjects, now i have a question for you, guys...went out for dinner with my love and his workcolleagues. kids staid at home ( oldest son was in charge). i did text with daughter and everything seemed allright, but when we came home we found out that the oldest (age 15) went out to meet his girlfriend. i grounded him for the rest of this schoolyear! he's (ofcourse) sad and says his girlfriend's gonna leave him now... what's your opinion about this? what would you do, when you were in my shoes?
Wow, that's a difficult one. I can imagine how mad you would have been. I suppose you have a few options - the first being keeping to the grounding him and tell him his girlfriend will wait if she really likes him. Or what about grounding him completely for a shorter while and then just letting him be a bit later home from school etc.. and see his girlfriend at your house? I think he really needs to understand that you trusted him as an adult and gave him responsibility and he broke that trust and it will take a lot of effort on his side for you to trust him again. He needs to see that a sorry isn't enough. Maybe you could sit down as a family and talk it through and you could all come up with some ideas of how he can prove he can be trusted, how he can keep his girlfriend and maybe you can meet somewhere in the middle. However, I don't think it can be something to be solved over night - it will take time xxx
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thanx for you answer! he did say 'sorry' a 100 times and i told him it wasn't that easy... (as a mum i would like to say okay, forgive and forget, but as a teacher you know how important it is to be firm...looking to the future we can't give him the idea that everything is allowed, he has to know there are limits)

problem for him : it's almost impossible to meet her during schooldays, course she go's to school in an other town and where she lives is like 10 minutes by car and he only has a bike of course... so they only meet friday or saturday..

i like your sugestion to have this familymeeting, will talk it over with hans...

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he just shove a note under our door saying he knows how stupid and irresponsible he's been.. and begging to look for another solution together, so he doesn't lose his girl... of course his grief almost breaks my heart, but i'm afraid that giving to much into his demands will endorse even bigger problems in the future...

with all the drugs, drinking and accidents happening with teens, i'm afraid to trust him...frown.gif

small children , small problems... i used to laugh when i heard my mother say this... sigh

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I don't know I think he needs to show you that you can trust him again as I agree sorry isn't enough. I do thnk you need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. I don't have any children but I do remember being a kid and staying out later than what my mum told me and things and not understanding why my mum was upset with us lol

 

But yes I think you should sit down talk to him why you feel you need to ground him and maybe make him understand that you worry about him and things and then if he understands that maybe come to an aragenment where he maybe grounded less or something. But only on the count of him showing you that you can trust him again if he lets you down then you could go back to the old grounding!

 

I don't know if this'll help but you know sometimes talking is good!

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he just shove a note under our door saying he knows how stupid and irresponsible he's been.. and begging to look for another solution together, so he doesn't lose his girl... of course his grief almost breaks my heart, but i'm afraid that giving to much into his demands will endorse even bigger problems in the future...

with all the drugs, drinking and accidents happening with teens, i'm afraid to trust him...frown.gif

small children , small problems... i used to laugh when i heard my mother say this... sigh

At least is shows he's remorseful and is feeling bad about this - which shows that he is good and knws what he has doneis wrong. And if he has suggested finding a solution together that is good. Maybe ask him what he thinks his punishment should be and then come to an agreement somewhere in the middle. He needs to know he is being punished for an irresponsible act etc... and can't get off lightly.

I know our daughter is so much younger than your son, but at times I have asked her what she thinks her punishment should be when she has been naughty and she suggests things much more strict than I would have thought of!

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barbara, he is a 15 year old boy. His priority is his girlfriend and your priority is his safety and the safety of those you left with him in charge. Cause you are the parent and the adult, and he is not.

When I was his age, I went out and did some serious drinking one night, almost to the point of alcohol poisoning. Oddly enough, I phoned my parents to come get me in my fuddle-headedness. They came and got me alright, and grounded me for the rest of the school year as well. I missed a lot that year, but I learned that I needed boundaries and I needed to respect my parents (who held their ground, despite my begging...)

Hoping I won't need to use the parenting lesson...as the eldest turns 13 next year....sigh....

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Ok, so my 2 cents worth. He made a wrong choice and regrets doing it. My suggestion is to talk it over with him and see how he can earn your trust back. I see a lot of this in my job (I'm a youth counsellor) and as much as you were worried for the other kids, maybe you should have taken some time before consequencing the behaviour. I do beleive that if adolescents are given the choice to consequence themselves, they will give a pretty decent consequence.

 

Remember, adolescents act before thinking and adults are supposed to think and then act. Wish you good luck. Please also look at his past behaviour as well. Is he a good kid? Has he made such poor choices in the past? Is this the worst that he has done?

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All i will say is that remember what you were like when you were 15 put yourself in his shoes.......

 

im sure amny many folk on here have broke the rules when it came to girlfriends/boyfriends and in my opinion a couple of days grounding would suffice.

 

ive always tried to not turn into my parents as they were very strict so although i give my kids more freedom than i got i keep the reigns tight.

 

you only done what you done because you care......remember that.

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noticed some of you ask for advice on various subjects, now i have a question for you, guys...went out for dinner with my love and his workcolleagues. kids staid at home ( oldest son was in charge). i did text with daughter and everything seemed allright, but when we came home we found out that the oldest (age 15) went out to meet his girlfriend. i grounded him for the rest of this schoolyear! he's (ofcourse) sad and says his girlfriend's gonna leave him now... what's your opinion about this? what would you do, when you were in my shoes?
Life the house arrest in exchange for a family dinner with the GF devil.gif
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